The last couple of days, journeying forward into 2019 and the beginning of January, I've been having a hard look at myself. I'm usually introspective as the norm, but recently I have been really looking at myself even more and realizing I've allowed some pretty nasty attitudes to take root.

It shouldn't really have to be a realization, it's not like I was ever ignorant that I felt these things, but I realize just how serious it's become and how fully immersed I've gotten. I feel like anger is a slippery slope. If you allow yourself to give of yourself until you're empty without anything in return you can find yourself so angry that everywhere you look you see injustice. 

I was always a person trying to find the laughter in everything, enjoy life & the company of others. Then at a point in life you stop feeling sorry for yourself and you just get angry. Angry because you love people so deeply that you give everything of yourself to them. Never really taking into consideration the true cost & if it's never reciprocated. I'm the type of person that never gave a second thought to helping out when it was needed, or sowing into people's lives that I cared for at my own personal expense. Financially, physically & emotionally, I gave myself away. 

Then I became an adult and realized that I should have been much more guarded. I should have been much more careful and used discernment that God gives us when choosing who I was letting into my safe spaces. There needs to be an allowance of some place that is just for me. I don't need to share everything. Because then I get to this point where now I have no safe place anymore because I've invited everyone into all of them. And let's be honest, we all feel those nudges, right? We see the red flags and we just tip toe past them because we don't want to be that person, the judgmental one. But it isn't passing judgement, it's using discernment on just how personal we can be with certain individuals and knowing that we all need a nest for ourselves.

Some things have to be sacred

Some places in my life need to be sacred

They need to be reserved for people who have proven themselves to me. Proven to be trustworthy. Proven to be using good Godly wisdom who are prepared to properly support me in the way that is healthiest for my soul. Like I would for others. When looking for advice or just needing someone to hear my heart I don't want lip service, I want friendships that will speak advice that's full of wisdom. And they can't do that if they have none. 

I let every area of my life become a free for all. And gave myself away as if I was not worth anything. And I think I unknowingly trained those around me to treat me as if I was not worth anything. And perhaps I didn't truly understand my worth to expect more. I just wondered why I was being treated as an expendable thing.

It isn't the christian thing to do to allow people to use you, to walk on you, & to disrespect you. God created us individually, unique, & specifically for a purpose. Each of us is valuable intrinsically and should never be made to feel as if what we have to give is not valuable. It's one thing to be persecuted for your faith in Christ Jesus, which is biblical, it's quite another to just let those who consider themselves Christians as well step all over you as a human being out of bad character and to not hold them accountable for that behavior. Or stand up and remove yourself from that situation because it's not healthy and it isn't what Jesus would want for you.

Having allowed this treatment of myself for the last decade I've just pushed down the feelings of hurt and rejection and it has morphed into this dark resentment and anger that now I'm fighting to keep at bay. I'm angry at everything. I'm angry that there was no single person out there that stood up for me when I was unable to do it for myself. I'm angry that one of the worst places for my safety was inside a church building where I thought allies would be found. And I'm angry that I was dumb enough to get sucked into being angry. As foolish as that sounds. 

I've not held myself accountable for maintaining my walk, I've kind of just allowed myself to fall into disrepair as if all those things I have been told about myself were true. As if all those lies I've had thrown at me were from people who knew me well, they weren't, but I let them take root inside myself regardless. And they've been sitting there on repeat for the last decade. 

Now I'm not saying that I haven't heard some true things about myself that hurt my feelings, I have, but I appreciate those in the end after I get over being offended. lol It's the things that make me question my integrity, my heart, the things that make me question the core of the person that God made me that has really made me mad. And I have realized the last few days that this is an area that I need to really work on this year. 

I have no idea how I'm going to let it all go, but I'm aware and I'm going to start journaling again and try my best to get these feelings out and let God do the work. 

And that starts with allowing some parts of my life to be sacred. They're for me because I'm a person who deserves space in life, especially my own. 

What's sacred in your life? 

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