Just Start

One of the many downfalls of being a perfectionist is the tendency to fall into a pit of despair called procrastination. I don't procrastinate because I'm lazy, I'm actually a very hard worker. I procrastinate because I know how much time, energy, and focus I need to be able to complete a project of any size and I do not want to start it until all of the conditions are just right so that I can complete said project with the accuracy and commitment I both want and need to give it. Because if I start a project and I'm in the middle of it and I'm in the zone and I get interrupted and/or have to completely stop in the middle of it -- I have officially lost my groove. And I will have the desire to throw you out a window.

Being a perfectionist sucks. I know there are so many advantages to this personality disorder, I mean trait, but sometimes it feels like a much larger disadvantage as a mother. Because of the obvious reason that there's no such thing as perfect. It feels a little bit like you're a crazy person. You're a thunder storm waiting for just the right conditions. As Monk would say, It's a blessing and a curse.

On one hand when I do complete a project it's usually beautiful. And on the other hand if I get interrupted it may end up in a burn pile because at some point it will feel as though the interruption ruined it and the child in me wants to just spit it out and start over fresh. That is always my tendency in every single situation in life and I am sad to say I realize it even while I'm doing it. I fight off the feeling that something is just ruined. Because really you can't just go around discarding things that aren't perfect. I like some flawed things. Oddly I am drawn to rustic appearances and farmhouse aged appeal, but if I'm the one that messed it up it just feels like a reminder of a failure and I can't stand having it around.

Which is probably the original reason they coined the phrase "One man's junk is another man's treasure" because a perfectionist out there decided their work of art was ruined because they couldn't do it like they envisioned it in their heads.

We artist types are very emotional in our creations. God gave us such a keen vision inside our minds, it's a beautiful thing, but also a very annoying thing because we don't always have the time to dedicate to perfection. I know I don't.

I fight the need like an OCD tendency almost daily. It's a struggle to give into the feeling in Motherhood that I shouldn't even start something because I won't be able to finish it. So my perfection holds me back from probably greatness. I feel like a failure before I begin and so I don't.

Do you ever just need a win so badly you're afraid one more failure will push you into a spiral and you'll end up binge watching Bones in your bed and let your kids fend for themselves? I do. Some days it's all I can do to just do the routine life and force myself to do things even though I don't feel like it.

Today I wanted to stay in bed. I wanted to be left alone. I'm tired and grumpy and just feel stuck. I wanted to sulk. I had to push myself to get out of the house. Routine stop and then clean the car out -- get something small done that makes me feel like I'm in control of my life again. Then we went to the pool. Vitamin D, the cool water, and watching my kids have fun is a refreshment to my soul. And guess what? In the end, I accomplished something great because I ignored the perfectionist and embraced whatever I could find to enjoy the day.

You're afraid of starting and so am I. But unfortunately the best way to get over being afraid to start is to just start. Push yourself to make the first step. Sometimes when you can't make it over Mount Everest you need to just go around it.

What is the end goal? Surely there is more than one way to get there?

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