Journey Called Motherhood

I wish that I could clear my mind. I wish I was the sort of person that could write a list and just write about whatever topic, but I'm not. I honestly have few spare moments in between the chaos of quiet in my life where I can hear myself think.

Being an introvert with 4 loud kids I basically live in static. In my youth I never had an issue feeling lonely, not really. I loved being by myself and just writing, listening to music, playing piano or writing music. There were times when I wanted companionship, but it was always on my terms. I'm a hands off kind of friend, because I myself like space. Well, as a mother you can't have your space, ever. From the moment of conception your space is gone. Possibly one of the most expensive gifts I give to my children on a daily basis is my space. 

They're in everything. I mean that completely literally. Any portion I would have normally set aside for myself they're in. And if they're not in it my husband is. I feel panic sometimes because I can feel the emptiness when I've been sort of being suffocated. I need my own something. Sometimes my own anything. Aren't we all a little bit like that? 

I think I've done an impeccable job adjusting to hours and days and a life where I could design it how I wanted and be who I wanted and at a whim I could pick up and go on an adventure to now a mother of 4 where I am chained down by routines and schedules and responsibilities and inconvenience of packing up children to load and unload everywhere I go. 

Balance has never been my friend because there's really no such thing. Some days I am more who I really want to be than others and other days I sit on the couch watching YouTube channels, or reading articles/books, listening to music trying to find inspiration to be that fairy tale mother. 

I don't always know how to find that quiet space where I can hear God. I think that's often why I stay up so late although it definitely doesn't do my body any good. Because I'm desperate to find quiet where I can hear God directing me. So much of my life is up in the air at any given point, decisions, To Do lists, and my own foolish mind trying to make plans which are normally completely undone by life anyway. But I want to be where God wants me when He wants me there. I don't want to be the one messing up because I went my own way in anything in life. 

I heard this one day when I was cleaning and it was a small voice inside of me telling me to lean not on your own understanding. Stop trying to figure it all out. Even if I could He doesn't want me wasting my life doing it. It's like trying to reinvent the wheel. From the beginning of time He had it all planned out, but what wasn't from the beginning of time was my children. They're here and now and they're growing up watching their mom flail because of sometimes the most inconsequential things, like owning too much or disorganization or worrying about if she'll ever feel like herself again. 

Maybe the time when we're most ourselves is when we're living according to the season we're in. We dress for the season of weather, so why not allow ourselves to dress for the season of life? I'm not always going to be put together because I'd rather teach my children how to put themselves together. My house won't always be clean because I'd rather teach my kids how to clean a house. It's not easy to learn how to clean a house if it's always clean anyway. Not easy to learn how to organize if they never see disorganization. And how do you learn to cook if the food is already made? Experience grows us. This mess is their classroom. Stop belittling it. 

Stop trying to understand it all. Stop trying to be the perfect mom and be the mom that you are. God didn't give your children to the Mom you will be in the future, He gave them to the mom you were before you knew anything. It's time we found meaning and fulfillment in the journey called motherhood. Admit to your children your faults and let them watch you pick yourself up and carry on. This is the way we teach our children to love themselves. 

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