This one single word seems to describe my life here and there. Right now it's mostly here and now. I go through these phases, kind of like the moon in many respects, where I'm just on top of it all and then others where only my dark side is seen and I simply haven't got anything to give. I lay in wait for my system to recharge. But the darkest part of this is the whole world is waiting on me, at least my whole world. It still keeps moving in the dark.

Then there's anxiety. Little comments about brain eating amoebas or the amber teething necklace your toddler wears & her development, or browsing through Facebook and see the progress everyone else seems to be making in this or that, or even walking about and glancing in a mirror and notice how much weight you've put on. This is the thing I fight daily and yet there are people everywhere that want to feed that. Why? What do you seek to gain by feeding anxiety and fear? We all already know life is precious, which is why I am constantly battling fear to allow us to live life while we have it. It's why I battle to put on bathing suits that don't fit properly to play at the pool with my kids. And why I attempt make up and dressing nicely to go on a date sometimes. It's the desperate need to take a million photographs of my children laughing and being silly so that I can drown out everything else that wants to steal my joy.

Stop. Raining. On. My. Parade. 

Stop trying to derail my train.

Stop giving me reasons to be afraid.

It always has seemed like there was something I should be wary of in life, but in disguise of preparation. There is no way to prepare properly for everything. Well meaning people like to point out dangers, every single danger you would ever think of finding in life. But we will meet our destiny regardless of how much we worry about it.

But fear isn't the only thing holding us back, there's also exhaustion. Because fear is the disease and exhaustion is a symptom. It is hard work just trying to come to terms with what you want your life and parenthood to look like, the rules and standards you want to set, then your behavior and consequences of decisions. All of it takes a toll.

And for us introverts the noise and sheer demand of attention constantly takes a big piece of the whole. Which is why every day, like the moon, my self gets a little bit smaller. I get a little bit more exhausted. And then there's the favorite parent aspect. The moon and the sun are meant to share the responsibility to light the sky, but what if the only one doing it was the moon? No wonder the tides have breached their boundaries.

Being the favorite parent stinks in so many ways many less favorite parents probably don't think of. Don't you think we'd love it if for at least some of the time you were the one they called on to be rescued, comforted, or loved? There is no time of day or night that favorite parents aren't needed and while being needed is cherished it's exhausting when there is no change of the guard.

And so, inertia happens. I stop moving. Only I wish my eclipse was just 24 hours, sometimes it takes me days to get back to some kind of mental health where I can think and sleep properly and recharge.
And in the meantime I have guilt that I'm not able to be a different kind of Mom. The one that is creative all the time, full of energy, & able to keep up any kind of regular schedule so my children can feel the safety of boundaries & repetition. And grow up realizing that the more things change the more they stay the same, because we're all caught up in our own orbits and how can we change them long enough to change our lives?

And all along the external force, outside of ourselves, is also an internal force. Jesus calls us to seek His kingdom first and all these things will be added. So, perhaps my attention as the moon should be to look towards the Sun.

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