I Don't Want a Definition



It was pouring rain outside, flash flood warnings and it soothed my soul a bit listening to the rain fall down. And then my daughter came running out of her room screaming about a leak in her ceiling dripping. And I think to myself of course. I told my husband we really should have expected it because this is how it goes, right? You have absolutely full plates, you're struggling already just doing your best to hang on while you're waiting for a life raft and then someone just tosses you a brick.

We're currently in limbo in life and waiting it out can be excruciating. We weren't expecting most of what has happened this year. In fact, our entire marriage has been one unexpected event after the next, kind of like stepping stones. It makes me wonder why we're always on the defense, instead of the offense where we make things happen. But, how do you make things happen?

There's a list in my head of everything right now that needs fixed. And I don't want to fix it anymore. There comes a point when you just acknowledge you can't, right? I have always sort of had the mentality in life that if I'm going to own something, or have something in my life, I don't want it if it can't be what I want. I don't want to settle for a mess, something covered in duct tape, just to have it now. I'd rather do without. I'd rather make things happen by sacrificing. But when you get married, you don't have that luxury to just do what you're comfortable with. Then you have children and you've got even more of a reason to be prudent in decisions. But I think letting go of things that are weighing you down and making you drown is a prudent decision.

If you bought a car that you can't afford, sell it, right? Buy one you can afford. That's how I'm hard wired. If you, in all your good intentions, put yourself in a position that is compromising remove yourself from it. Sure, you may have to sacrifice some things that you use to define yourself, but why do we have to define ourselves?

Why do we have to be the person that does this or owns this or this is my talent in life. Does that make life more enjoyable? Or more burdensome? I think it's the latter. Just because I can do something, doesn't mean I should.

I don't want to have to define myself. I have watched too many people struggle with letting things go their whole lives because it's how they present themselves to the world. They're burdened by this need to appear a certain way or be known for something.

I just want to live life. I don't care if anyone knows me, or has heard about me, or if people look down on me because I don't do this or that or own this or that. I don't care. I want to see the world with my family. I want to LIVE and this whole pressure to conform in society, to own stuff and then spend your life and all your money up-keeping it just for the sake of living the definition somebody else thought up. It's craziness to me.

I don't want a definition. I want a life. I don't feel the need to explain myself to others. And a definition means you're giving an explanation to someone for your time, your effort, & your accomplishments. Truth is none of this stuff defines you. No one writes a eulogy and mentions all the stuff you owned, or the projects you started & subsequently never finished. You don't put it on your gravestone, They sure owned a lot of things I liked and respected them for it. Or, Here lies He really loved his tractor. I mean, you might say that, but it's sad unless you actually need it to make a living.

I don't want to look back on my life and all anyone remembers of me was I was constantly struggling. Struggling to downsize. Struggling to make stuff less of a priority than the kids that were growing up under my nose. Struggling to find a way to just live. When it comes down to it what you need and what you want are so far removed sometimes it feels like a canyon between. I'm at a point in life where what I want is to start fresh.


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