I Am the Brand

I had an epiphany at 6 o'clock this morning as I drearily was awoke for the 50th time by a nursing 1 year old and my husband getting ready for work. It was an odd thought to be thinking when I was mostly asleep, but it popped into my head anyway. I thought to myself, I have no desire to socialize. It's no secret I'm an introvert and I actually prefer being alone, not to say I don't crave conversation sometimes or that familiarity of a good friend if I had one, but that I avoid human contact now.

I've very much become a recluse. I'm not sure if it's unhealthy, but through motherhood and now being a SAHM I can say with certainty that I have lost any desire to seek out social circumstances where I might have to converse with other people, women mostly, who are my peers. It isn't lost on me that I have no excitement to share, no real deep thoughts (I'm also starting to wonder if I ever actually had these or if it was another thing I concocted in the vanity of my youth?), and I definitely don't have real knowledge of current events. I have no hobbies, unless you count buying books a hobby, or cleaning my house for the literal billionth time, trying to maintain any shred of an actual schedule, or the piles I keep rotating around to different rooms in a charade I call downsizing. What could I possibly have a conversation about? Please, don't talk to me.

I have many friends on the internet, the usual social networking and several mom/homeschooling groups through those channels... but if even given the opportunity I would rather scrub a toilet than go meet one of them in person. The same thought always goes through my head, I will disappoint. Whatever you think I am, I probably am not. Whatever ideals you've got about me or my kids, or my life, you're probably wrong. I never knowingly deceive somebody into thinking I'm something I'm not, I'm just not sure what I am so how can I represent it?

It's the same terrible reality that keeps me from starting my YouTube channel. What in the heck would I talk about? I don't know what kind of a person I am. You know when you try to be a leader in any sense you have to have some kind of idea of who you are, what you stand for and a basic set of ideas you can provide. I don't. I have no idea what kind of person I am so how can I brand an unknown?

YOU are the brand. Sure, I know what I like. I know what I do with my life, though most days I think it's a pretty sad list of accomplishments. It isn't that I don't do enough it's that cleaning the kitchen doesn't exactly feel like I'm changing the world and I for sure am not changing the destiny of my family's finances while doing it. Everything that mom's tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better in this day and age are pretty empty to me. Excuses for sitting on the couch folding laundry while I watch the 15th episode, binge watching Amazon Prime.

I think some women shine as SAHMs, but I don't. I honestly don't believe my personality type thrives well in this environment, but that doesn't matter does it? I'm responsible for my children and I love being with them, I'm just not built to run my home as organized as I would like it to. I find it impossible to focus.

Mother's are the heart of the home so when my home is in tatters I have to ask myself where my heart is? What's happened to it? Why am I not as passionate about anything anymore? Where are the desires I used to get fired up about? And how do I get myself from here, to where I want to be?

Truth is I don't have the answers, so I hope you're not here for them. I'm just a self made lonely person wondering how I achieve the life of adventure I know we're meant for.

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