Define Yourself

I'm sitting here binge watching YouTube videos on finding your niche and how to get over your fear of starting a YouTube channel. For the past week I've been throwing around the idea of starting one while simultaneously being excited and anxious about it. All these questions started brewing instantly in my head like I wonder what questions people asked themselves before starting their YouTube channel? or I wonder what kinds of things couples discuss before they had a YouTube channel? Or wished they'd discussed? See, I'm paranoid about a lot of things and one particular YouTuber seriously answered every question I was sitting here brooding over.

1. What makes me special enough for someone to watch? I feel like my life is boring and mundane. Part of the reason why I want to start a YouTube channel. But at the same time, there's a tiny voice inside of me (maybe from my youth) that says I have something to offer. A unique perspective on life that maybe isn't spoke of loudly or often enough in social circles? Maybe I have something to offer?

2. I'm a mess physically and feel less than presentable most days. Let's be honest, I'm a mother of 4 and they're always with me. Morning, Noon, and Night. I go between absolutely wanting to cry because I feel like time is slipping through my fingers to soak up every moment they're with me to wanting to lock them in a closet because they're literally stealing my sanity. I own almost no make up anymore. Financially we can't even afford for me to buy any make up at this point and I wouldn't know how to put on the kinds of faces most of these successful YouTubers apply anyway.

3. How much should I share? The thought of privacy is just a huge, huge, (colossal) thing looming over my head. How much is too much? Where is the line? Do people normally discuss this and what do they regret sharing? Because once something is on the internet it's not really something you can take back. I love my privacy, but at the same time I am definitely an oversharer in other categories. To the extent that it confuses a lot of people who know me. There are just some things that are none of your business and then I'll just basically flash you in other topics, nude all the way.

4. I have no idea what I'm good at anymore. I feel completely incompetent most days. I have no hobbies. My hobby is keeping 4 little people alive and trying to remain a human being in the midst of it all. I used to feel like I had talent and after 3 years of SAHM I have learned that the things I thought were my strengths are actually flaws. I learned this by passing them onto my children and seeing it in their behavior. lol It's funny, but at the same time completely frustrating because you don't see it nearly as clear until you're looking in the mirror. I love so many things, but I feel like I'm at step 1. Introductory knowledge and skill in all of them.

So, maybe my channel should just be a big HOW TO screw things up? Maybe I could name it DDIY, Don't do it Yourself. lol That's catchy, I'm going to trademark that.

Seriously though. There's insecurities creeping up from deep below my conscious that I didn't realize were as controlling in my life as I realize they are now. Maybe what I'm really afraid of is seeing myself.

This is a good process to go through though. Self reflection is so key to growth in life and I used to do it a lot through blogging and journaling. I've always kept a journal, ever since I was little, I have always struggled with consistency. Not because the desire wasn't there, but because I have never been good at organizing my time and that's still one of my biggest faults.

Also, there is a very strong desire in me to define myself. I am a mother and... that's where it trails off now. I've been a Mom for over a decade and so many of those years of early motherhood I had to slowly, but continuously, give up things that used to be priorities in my life that defined me. Or, I thought they did. Music was a huge one that I gave up because I'm not the kind of person who can sprinkle herself around, one big thing about me is If I'm going to do something, I'm going to DO it. I don't see the point in sort of doing anything. And somethings I loved so much that if I did them here and there it just made me resent not being able to do them more, so I just kind of put them to sleep for now.

Who am I? I know everyone asks themselves this at least one time in their life. But how do you edit your life down far enough to define yourself to others when you're not even sure who you are?

I think the answer here is to start filming myself. I may look at the videos and say, There's absolutely no way I would ever put this on the internet. lol I'm not a huge fan of making myself vulnerable.

So, there you have it. Please share with me how you have defined yourself. How you work to define yourself, or some ideas you have tried to learn how to be authentic on YouTube or in any social media aspect!

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