It's not a secret to anyone who actually pays attention to me that I have been in an unusually poor mood lately. Grumpy. Short tempered. Negative Nelly. All those things and exhausted.

Contrary to what a few onlookers may think this is not in my nature. I like to smile, laugh, joke, play, and generally have a good outlook on life even during stress. But lately... I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. You know?

We have worked so hard to get to this point in our lives and things were supposed to be better than what they are right now. We weren't supposed to be in debt. We weren't supposed to be hanging on a thin line right along millions of other Americans with their finances. We weren't supposed to be living in this subdivision, in this house, still dealing with neighbor issues. We weren't supposed to be troubleshooting constantly. This is not what I pictured 8 years ago when we started the journey of higher education for my husband. This was supposed to be our year of jubilation. The part of the race where your wobbly knees are shaking, but something inside you just feels so strong because you've made it. And you run and cross that finish line chest in the air through the ribbon. A triumphant entry.

Our triumphant entry feels more like a plane that barely landed and sounds an awful lot like metal scraping against concrete with sparks flying everywhere.

I'm a fan of creative linguistics for sure. And a touch of drama for entertainment purposes.

Every problem we've ever faced I've been that one that said No problem. And then problem solved the crap out of it until we bridged that gap and made it safely on the other side. Serious problems. Not just like #FirstWorldProblems. Miscarriages, Totaled car accidents where we've actually flipped our car with our 2 year old in it, Many multiple lost jobs, Medical bills with no medical insurance (large ones), Serious personal family issues, Unexpected babies (wanted, just not planned), etc. The list could go on and on. We've had more things to fix than I could even write down, I'm sure most people have. I put on a smile, I pulled up my big girl undies, and I told my husband we can. Because I know we can.

And maybe my bad attitude right now isn't because of a lack of faith, or a lack of knowing we can make it through, I'm just flat out tired of it. Sometimes I have to ask God When is my season of rest?! Because I've never had one and I have needed it for so long and I just feel like my whole life is a series of fires to put out one after another. A string of decisions we made with the utmost good intentions and prayer and seeking God's path on it all and so many of them blew up in our faces. Like bad. Like someone threw gasoline all over us and lit a match.

There's the drama again. I've used the phrase When it rains it pours too many times to count in my life. I don't want to think that way, but after a while you can't help but notice a trend.
But really, it's life.

Why do the good moments seem to weigh so much less than the bad ones? Is it so they can float us through to the next problem we'll have to face? Why is it we carry these problems around like luggage? When we reach our destination they won't have anything of use inside of them to aid us. We don't have to carry these burdens.

I shouldn't be sitting here baffled by the direction my life is going at the moment. I've done my best. Maybe some people think I haven't, but I have. Some days I just don't have it. I don't know where my best went, but it's gone. I do struggle a lot with anxiety, but many people would never guess because everyone thinks I'm just a solid piece of confidence. And to that I will quote Maria from Sound of Music,

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides what you see I have confidence in me!
Strength doesn't lie in numbers.
Strength doesn't lie in wealth,
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers,
When you wake up, Wake up!
It's healthy!
All I trust I leave my heart to,
All I trust becomes my own!
I have confidence in confidence alone.
I have confidence in confidence alone!
Besides, which you see, I have confidence in me!

That's seriously the song that popped into my head.

You're welcome. 

You don't have to carry this burden. You don't have to solve the problems. You don't have to know everything right now. He will equip us with the tools and path we need as we need them. I have to tell myself this, so I'm going to help tell you too.

All you need to do is follow where He is calling you. If he tells you that minimalism is the direction, then go in that direction. That's where He's been telling me to go personally, so that's why I said that. He keeps telling me to ask myself Why do I own this? I look around my rooms and there are so many times I can't answer that question and that's how I know it isn't needed. If I can't answer why I even own it, then it doesn't really have a good enough use, does it?

For some it's OK to own something just because it's pretty, visual appearance absolutely is worth enough to make room for in your life because beauty in life is important. But beauty can also absolutely be found in simplicity.

To get back to my original point. I have been in a terrible mood because I don't see the light like I used to. We're about to embark on another 2 1/2 year journey, expensive journey, that we don't have the money to get through. For those of you who do not know, my husband just graduated with his Bachelors of Science in History this past May 2018. We are so very proud of him and all that he has worked for to accomplish this. It's been about 8 years of 1/2 time courses while also holding down a full-time job and volunteering for various things at church and the local high-schools' girl's softball team. I own that accomplishment as much as he does though, so don't forget it. I've held down the fort solo parenting like nobodies business for these last 8 years so he could pursue higher education. We have fought so hard for a better future for our family. We didn't foresee all the obstacles we'd be facing now. We definitely didn't think he'd be pursuing a Masters in Education, SPED (Special Education) come Fall. Remember, we were supposed to be finishing our race this year and entering a different life.

Then again, we are. My husband will, barring some unexpected change, be teaching full-time this Fall in a local high-school doing exactly what his Masters program requires of him to become certified when his program finishes.

In the meantime we may be scraping by like road rash and living on a prayer. I don't know. But I know that God is faithful to carry me through this, too. Like the many many other things He has carried me through and several that He had to drag me through, probably. Sometimes kicking and screaming because my human mind wants to know it all. Thank goodness I don't know it all because I am certain that would be true anxiety.

I leave you with this little gem and a question: Can you relate?

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